by J.R. "Thor" Antrim

Long ago, a shaman "symbolically transferred" his people's sins and transgressions, sealing the pure, unrefined evil inside of a piñata. Looking back, it probably wasn't the best of plans. But come on, it's trapped in a piñata. What could possibly go wrong?

A dozen college kids handcuffed together in guy/girl pairs, on a scavenger hunt for over 2,500 pairs of men and women's underwear. And, of course, booze-stuffed piñatas. That's what.

Man, who farted?

It's all part of the annual Cinco de Mayo treasure hunt, held by Star Trek Voyager's Garrett Wang. The only thing more mystifying than his appearance in this movie is how he managed to hide over 2,500 pairs of underwear throughout the island with only the help of one other judge.

Our hero, Kyle (Buffy the Vampire Slayer's Xander) recently had a messy breakup with Tina (the attractive Jaime Pressley). These guys can't stand each other; so, in accordiance with the Meet Your New Partner Act of 1986, they're paired up as a team. Doh!

Elsewhere on the Island, two horny college kids mistake the three thousand year old mud demon for a tequila filled piñata.

No, you don't understand.

They mistook this.	For this.

If you're baffled by this scene, it may help to explain that in the original script, everyone was retarded.

Girl: "Do you hear that?"
Guy: "What the fuck is that? Do you hear that?"
Girl: "What the hell is that?"

It's a killer piñata. Duh.

You heard me, a killer piñata. While not as bad as, say, a killer sombero, I've seen public toilets that struck more fear in my heart.

Even worse, the piñata kills by hitting people with sticks, clubs and other blunt objects. A piñata that hits back. It's almost like you can hear the scriptwriter snickering in front of his computer, going, "Get it? Get it??" Sorry, dude. That's not irony. That's just stupid.

Come to think of it, that's a fairly accurate description of the whole movie. Characters in horror films are usually born victims, but these guys go out of their way to die. At one point, a woman is running from the monster. For no apparent reason, she climbs a fallen tree, tip-toes down it like a tightrope walker, and falls off into a gorge.

Then there's the boot scene. Immediately after our heroes find the body of a mutilated deer and agree that there really is a monster out there, one of them drops to a crouch.

Girl: "Hey you guys, hold on a second, Doug's got something..."
Doug: "I'm okay, just go ahead."
Kyle: "We'll wait."
Doug: "Kyle, it's okay man. I just got this rock in my shoe. It's driving me crazy. I'll catch up. Kyle, I'm serious man... go ahead."
Kyle: "Allright, let's go."

What follows are thirty seconds of Doug poking, prodding and peering in his boot, spliced with shots filmed in MONSTERVISION, to let you know how close to death Doug really is. Too bad his life was saved when Kyle stopped in his tracks and announced, "This is stupid."

Ensign Harry Kim thought this movie would be his big break. He was right.

That's what I said!

At least Doug is killed shortly thereafter. In yet another death scene rife with piñata symbolism, the monster climbs a tree, fashions a rope out of vines (with it's hooves), lowers a noose around Doug's neck and pulls him into the tree. There the Piñata sucks out Doug's soul and consumes it, Mortal Kombat style.

Several times, it's mentioned that the Piñata has a pig's heart. (Ancient shamans had yet to discover pacemakers.) Instead of doing something cool, like ramming a spear through its heart, our heroes come up with a plan that involves sewing, tiki torches and lawn furniture.

Seriously.

Aaaaaand we have bad movie.

When that doesn't work, Tina brings the monster down using nothing but a bottle of alcohol and a pair of handcuffs. And while that's mildly impressive in a kinky MacGuyver sort of way, I couldn't help but wonder: How the hell do you blow up sins and transgressions?

No one involved in the making of this film even tried. Nicholas Brendon's horror/comedy past could have lent it a much needed sense of humor, but he played it straight. Someone could have lent the Piñata a pair of stilts, but they let the poor little guy run around like a deranged mud midget. Jaime Pressly could have lent the film her breasts, but you see nary a nipple. And that, my friends, is Piñata Survival Island's real sin.

Ever since seeing the film, I’ve been obsessed. I had to see Jaime Pressly undressed. It was a quest. A quest... for her breasts.

At every turn, I was thwarted by some unseen force. Jaime always turned her back to the camera, a teasing smile on her face, as if to say, "Stop staring at me like that. Freak." Then, a breakthrough: Jaime had posed for Playboy in 1998! My quest was almost over. Or so I thought. For I was about to discover the dark force scheming against me...

She was a piñataur.

Half piñata. Half Jaime Pressly. All woman.

Movie clips

Do you want to know what kind of movie this is? Do you really want to know? This is the kind of movie where a jock gets his balls ripped off by a piñata.	(504kb)
The tight-log walking judge falls to her doom. (Hopefully.)	(270kb)
"No, that's allright man. Really. I just got something in my shoe. You guys go ahead. Seriously. I'll be fine. I just want to be left behind while I get this rock out of my shoe. Really. Go on. Guys, I'm serious. I'll be fine."	(1,124kb)

- J.R. "Thor" Antrim was once tormented by a killer burrito, which he brought down using nothing but a roll of toilet paper and the grim determination to rid his bowels of ULTIMATE EVIL.