by J.R. Antrim

Remember Rock 'em Sock 'em Robots? Well, the best way to describe Boxing King Invincible is, "Rock 'em Sock 'em Robots for poor kids with no friends". Rather than pitting two robots against each other in mortal head-popping combat, you pit a pug-faced pugilist against a pair of plastic punching bags.

Keep pushing those buttons. The fun just don't stop!

The back of the box cracks me up. First, it confirms our immediate suspicions — yes folks, this thing's made in China. Was there ever any doubt? The box art even makes a big deal out of the fact that the punching bags are held up by springs. Oh! Miraculous wonder of technology! I hope I never see another spring again.

"No springs!"

Okay, I take it back. A demonic little sprite took away all the springs in my life, and I realized my keyboard would no longer work. Coily has taught me the true value of springs. But you've still gotta admit, the box art bears little to no resemblance to the actual toy. Box Art Boxing King has chiseled Asian features, while Boxing King himself looks as if he was chiseled out of smoked ham. And those eyes, God...

Everything I know about boxing I learned from watching Rocky movies as a kid. And one undeniable fact is that the harder your shit gets kicked out of you, the more swollen your eyes become. Until — and this traumatized wee Thor for several years — some black guy has to come in and CUT YOUR FUCKING EYE OPEN.

But not Boxing King. The more he's punched in his pork product head, the bigger his eyes become, until they start to resemble fried eggs and spill out across his face. Boxing King "Breakfast Face" Invincible has the dubious distinction of being the only man on earth who can actually make this emoticon: o_O

I guess it wouldn't be so disturbing if their spotty attention to detail had been a little more consistent. Separated joints and an eye served sunny side up are to be expected from a Chinese import. But why then did they lovingly render Boxing King Invincible nipples? His Cheez-Nips are even painted on the box art (see above. On second thought, don't. Just take my word for it. You wouldn't want to get a reputation for that sort of thing.)

Why lovingly render BKI's pectoral muscles and perky nipples if his feet are a solid square of plastic? It looks as if a gangster wanted him to sleep with the fishes, but the local thug supply store was all out of cement, so they had to encase his feet in a solid brick of flesh. (You know, like Howie Long.)

Poor Boxing King. I suppose boxing is the only choice for someone with his unfortunate condition. Sure, he puts on a brave — if somewhat deformed — face, but deep inside he's hurting. Just think of how different his life would have been if he could have lived out his dreams of being a soccer champion or Can-Can dancer.

Engrish I can handle, but Franklin D. Roosevelt here nearly cost me my sanity.

But whenever Boxing King starts feeling bummed out, he just has to look past his spring-powered punching bags, at a sign on the hellish little platform his brick feet are embedded in, and everything is OK. (Yes, OK. There is no way that says KO. Trust me. I even turned it upside down, but then it read "".)

And when you think about it, that's what life is all about. You've got to roll with your punches. You've got to spring back when you're down.

And speaking of springs, the ground works like a spring. Did you know that? It stores and furnishes energy, it absorbs shock. I bet that information put a little spring in your step, ha-ha. There is still much to tell. Don't bother trying to escape. You'll find that the doors and windows have been sealed. Locks have springs too, did you know that? Oh, what fun we'll have! What fun indeed.

- J.R. Antrim wants you to hit him as hard as you can.