Smart Policeman
An Ironic Consumer review by Ridley

Straight out of George Orwell's 1984 comes this dark look at what's in store for us: Police that enforce a "smart" law. Apparently, the makers of this action figure foresee a future where if you're smart, you'll be handcuffed and taken away by a pumpkin-headed cop. I tried to find some information about this figure on the internet, but Google or Yahoo couldn't provide me with anything. I guess it's up to me to warn you of the future that is yet to be.

This happy-go-lucky figure comes with a removable radio, handcuffs, and a bulletproof vest. The lack of weapons and the white gloves on this surrealistic future cop makes it look as if it were modeled after the police officers in China. Well, what do you know, Made in China is stamped on his back! It looks like his buddies pulled the old "shoe polish on the binoculars" gag on him. Either that or the Chinese are poking fun at our big round eyes.

As some sort of recruitment or perhaps to make us comfortable with the idea of a "Smart Police", they included with this figure an ID card that you can fill out and a clip on badge that reads "Smart Police Enforcement Officer" I decided to fill out the ID card and give being a Smart Policeman a try. It even has a space for a photo. The box for the photo was elongated so I had to stretch my face to fit in the box.

Now that I am an official Smart Policeman (what an oxymoron), I think we should strap on my partner's bulletproof vest and see just how well it works. I have at my disposal a bullpup style rifle, which uses the .22 Long Rifle caliber bullet.

Ok, partner, strap on your little bulletproof vest and strike a pose, like you've just found a gaggle of intellectuals discussing mathematics and you're about to call in for backup. Right-click and Save As to watch the video. [926kb .wmv]

Well, as you saw from the video, the bulletproof vest works, but since his head is as big as his torso, it wasn't very practical. We can only hope that the "criminally smart" people he hunts down are dumb enough to only shoot at his vest and not at his big melon-head that seems to be screaming "shoot me! shoot me!"

Well, it's off to Barnes & Noble for me. Rumor has it a ruthless gang of honor students has been hiding out in the seedy coffee bar there, discussing their shameful college curriculum and whatnot. This is my town. This is my badge. Wherever there's smart people to be found, the Smart Police won't be too far behind. You know what they say: "You can learn, but you can't hide!"

- Ridley almost arrested someone reading a "...for dummies" book that day, but let them off with a warning.