by Ridley

There's nothing I hate more than having to walk all the way over to something, bend over over and pick it up! You can imagine the expression on my face when I saw this amazing little tool. Introducing: Snapper Hand! The illustration shows a little kid using one of these gummy miracles to magically grab a nickel, a screw, and a pink pearl necklace, all in one fell swoop. Look how happy he is!

"I want to feel that kind of happiness," I told the cashier, and made my purchase. On the front of the package, beneath the hand, it says "Shapps on anything, back in 7 FEET". Now let me ask you a question, have you ever "shapped" on anything? Neither had I (legally), until the first time I whipped back the rubbery, whip-like extension of my arm and shapped a paper clean off of my desk... from 7 FEET BACK!

The package claimed it would maintain it's shape no matter how I treated it, so I dressed it up like a little girl and made it dance on bar tables. Sure enough, $47 in singles and one thrown beer bottle head injury later, it "shapped" back to normal!

I ripped the package open and dared my wife to lay a dollar on the table. When she did, I tilted my head back and roared, "prepare to be shapped upon!"

She gasped as I flung my arm towards the ill-fated dollar. With missile-like precision the hand whistled towards the bill at speeds invisible to the human eye. The hand missed it's mark and shapped on the table next to the dollar. With a crooked sneer, I flicked my wrist and summoned the grasping paw back to it's master. "This is going to take some practice" I thought, as I peeled the hand off my face.

It was time to read the instructions.

• Don't throw it at anyone's face.
• Don't go to places nearby fire.
• Harmless, but do not eat.
• The insect picture on this card can be cut off along the lining, and be used to play with.

Step two: "Stretch as if it is a fishing rod, capable of extending far."

I dug a fishing rod out of storage and tried to stretch it. It could bend, but not stretch. Perhaps mine needed an upgrade.

I put on some leather gloves, safety glasses, an orange vest, steel toed boots, and a life jacket, just to be extra safe. I also advised my neighbors to extinguish any fires that might be burning in their homes — I wasn't about to go places nearby fire!

Now I needed a test subject. It stated on the card that the insect picture could be cut out and I could use it to practice with. I had to search the front and back of the card three times before I found the insect picture. I'm definitely going to need a magnifying glass and a surgical scalpel!

I couldn't find a scalpel anywhere, and the atrocity I'd commit with a pair of scissors would have the ASPCA banging down my door. Frustrated, I contacted the manufacturer. The manager simply said, "Youse wants a cardboard bug, by golly, youse gets a cardboard bug!" With that, he hung up. The next day I was opening an overnight shipping package that to my surprise, contained this:

Now we're getting somewhere! I cut some of the bugs out on the package and began practicing. Day and night I trained.

Batman has his utility belt, Spider-Man has his webs, now I, Stickypickupman have these! by tucking the black handles underneath my watch bands, I found that I can flick my wrists and attach them to things like Spider-Man does! I decided to share my new found skill with mankind and to rid the world of evil (and out of reach objects).

To Be Continued...

"Hello there! I'm Ridley. I was in the neighborhood and decided to swing by, ha-ha-ha. My wacky adventures continue in Stickypickupman: The Movie! If the thought of a two meg download scares the living daylights out of you, read about it in Comic-o-Vision™ (250kb). Whatever you do, do not stop reading, because that would be downright super villian-y of you."

(2.1mb .wmv file)

- Ridley harmed no wives the making of this article.